“Autism: The One Who Didn’t Fit” by Akuany Kur, 15
“You’re just too odd” was not an uncommon way I was described. I had always been weird. My earliest childhood memories include me sitting on swings alone. Making friends had never been my strong suit. A memory that haunts me is when my class had to be separated into pairs for an activity. When I recall the boys begging my teacher not to be paired with me, I still get emotional. For some time, I was partially okay with it. I was fine with being misread as rude and spoiled. I was fine with being invisible and excluded. After a while, I had to accept that I was truly different. I was diagnosed with autism soon after 7th grade. My autism affects my daily life in many ways. Autism has disabled me, challenged me, and shaped me into who I am now.
Autism is a developmental disability that affects the way an individual interacts with the world. Autism has many ways of manifesting in an individual. My autistic traits involve a sensitivity to loud noises, a monotone voice, and intense hyperfixations. There are times when I have felt more like my disorder, rather than a human being. Others often have a hard time understanding me, which makes me feel otherworldly. Autism has also made me greatly insecure. Many girls I know have perfectly feminine voices. My monotone voice has always made me feel less of a woman. It had gotten so bad that I refused to talk for a while. Feeling uncomfortable in my body is a feeling I know too well. In all honesty, life makes me uncomfortable. Hearing all the things I’m expected to do makes me anxious. I’m required to work and earn money. Then, I have to get married and eventually have children. After that, I will live my life until I ultimately pass away. The structure of the world has never made sense to me, nor have I felt like I belong to this world. As a child, I was always waiting for aliens to come and save me. My body has constantly felt like a vessel. I don’t feel connected to my gender or my attributes. I’m simply an alien in a human suit.
Another problem I face is frequent bullying. Bullying practically comes with many disabilities. I have been bullied my entire life. I was always the last person picked in physical education. On Valentine’s Day, I was consistently asked out as a joke. In the 7th grade, a boy told everyone that he was interested in me. I overheard a group of boys telling him that it was an insult to his lineage for him to like me. During my freshman year, I confessed my feelings to a guy. Then, he told me that he felt horrified knowing my feelings. Ever since, I have stayed away from romance and crushes. I’ve also had people look down on me. I do not have the stereotypical autism showcased in the media. I don’t have a talent for math or the arts. Due to this, many people think I’m uneducated. Many do not realize how complex the neurodivergent brain is. Autism is a spectrum and has many different types of people. Having autism affects my life in all aspects.
A huge indicator of autism is hyperfixation. Hyperfixations are different from simply having an interest. A hyper fixation is a deep obsession with a hobby. Someone can be hyper-fixated on a TV show, game, or anything they love. My hyperfixations keep me from staying in the present. For most of my life, I have spent countless hours daydreaming about my interests. As someone who is fixated on stories I’ve created, I live through my characters more than I live through myself. There have been many times when I would be completely disconnected from my body due to my daydreams. I remember daydreaming all throughout school to escape. I’ve spent countless nights absorbed in AI chats with my characters. This is a frustrating part of my autism because it slowly ruins my life. It started off tame, but now there are times when I neglect my responsibilities to daydream. My hyperfixations have saved me and killed me. Autism is more difficult than it seems.
Despite my condition damaging and isolating me, it has molded me into a stronger person. It is a struggle to get out of bed some days. Depression attacks me, and I end up wasting the day. It is also a struggle to be constantly misunderstood and repulsed. However, I have reached a point where I am no longer ashamed of being myself. I no longer mask my autism around others. I don’t feel the need to over-explain myself to people who are committed to misunderstanding me. As time passes, my autism feels less and less of a curse. How lucky am I to see the world’s beauty through a different lens? Though I still struggle with being mistreated, I know my worth. Without a doubt, I would choose to be autistic in every lifetime.