“The Leaning Tower” by Mahera Islam, 17

I painted the outside of the leaning tower. Bright, beautiful colours. People admired the tower’s strength and its beauty. However, I spent all the paint on the outside. The inner walls had scraped off paints, something I couldn’t afford to fix.

I am the leaning tower.

The diagnosis was unexpected. An abdominal x-ray gave an answer to the gut-wrenching pain. I had gastric and duodenal ulcers. Nothing surprising since I skipped a lot of meals. The shock was when I saw my spine. Why does it look so weird? “Scoliosis”, the doctor said. “Mild”, he said. So, I focused on treating my ulcers.

I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with a sharp pain right below where my ribs meet. I would crumble down if I was standing when it hit. The pain would leave soon enough, taking all my energy with it. Gosh, it felt like a sharp dagger. The first day I took the antibiotics, the dagger hit me worse than ever before. I cried all night in my mom’s arms, scared because I knew ulcers turn into cancers if not treated (no one had told me that stomach ulcers rarely ever turned into cancer). I knew that I was stubborn and skipped a lot of meals. No, I didn’t have body image issues. No, I didn’t have depression. None of that. I was ironically the happiest and most optimistic person people had met. The second I came home from school, I would fall asleep without eating. I had junk food on a daily basis. Chips, cake, cold drinks etc. It didn’t bother me. But at one point, I completely stopped eating. I would go days without eating, throwing tantrums when my parents tried to help me. My mom made new recipes every day just to get me to eat. I wouldn’t. I yelled, shut my door, and cried silently.

I had nausea 24/7 but couldn’t throw up. I just did not want to eat. No reason behind it. I never had the appetite to eat. Doctors brushed it off saying, “If you don’t eat, it’s gonna get worse. Think of food as medicine and just eat.” Tell me, what child wants to eat food thinking of it as “medicine”? Just eat? Oh, I wish I could. Trust me, I really wish. I didn't even know why I didn’t eat and it would drive me crazy. I talked to myself, and I knew what I was doing was stupid. I felt bad for my parents.

And then came Ramadan. I had to fast, I wanted to. But how could I fast without eating anything beforehand? Midnight was almost over and I had to eat something. That’s when my mom offered me dates. I hated dates although my religion, Islam, shows great significance to them. It was delicious. Maybe because I hadn’t eaten anything for a while. I had two dates that day and went on to fast. I survived that day. A bit low on energy, but no pain whatsoever. No discomfort. Nothing. I survived the month eating almost only dates. Towards the end, I regained my appetite. I could eat again.

Sure, my appetite glitches every now and then. But I am doing better than ever before. And hey, I think I even found out the reason behind my lack of appetite. Well, reasons. The quarantine and staying at home afterward was an underlying reason. And, witnessing the messy lives of dumb 8th graders was also a big reason. I put all that past me.

I am fixing the inner walls of the tower.

Scoliosis. The lean of the tower. After I successfully treated my ulcers, I was left with scoliosis. The x-ray report revealed a left convex cobb angle of 45 degrees in the thoracolumbar region of my spine. The doctor advised me to get physiotherapy, which I did. Now, the place I went to had a five-star review. I liked my first session. The exercises were somewhat easy. However, after every few days, I would be stuck with a new therapist. Whoever was available at

the time. At one point, I had to show them the exercises. The very last exercise of each of my sessions was the toughest one. It drained all my energy. I would lie down on the right side of my body and cross my arms across my shoulders while the therapist would slightly assist me to bend my spine trying to get up. That’s it. That would drain all my energy. That continued for 2-3 months. Towards the end I felt as if they were doing the therapy wrong. I never spoke up.

I didn’t do a post therapy x-ray cause I could spot the difference myself. I felt better about my posture. I wasn’t leaning to my side and my shoulders weren’t slumped. I was better. Or, so I thought.

I shifted to the U.S. after a year. My back pain started with the long walking distances and soft mattresses. I got another x-ray done. A left convex cobb angle of 43 degrees in the thoracolumbar region of my spine. And…a right convex cobb angle of 35 degrees in the upper thoracic region? So, two curves now? My spine was a C and now it is an S. I was told that it is “severe” scoliosis, not mild. I blamed my previous therapy sessions, the ones where something felt off. The orthopaedic surgeon said, “You can get therapy. As long as you’re in therapy, you’ll feel good. As soon as you stop, it will feel worse. I’ll give you some pain killers.”

Yes, I wake up in the middle of the night with agonizing pain. The same pain I had before but instead of my chest, it affects my spine. I can feel my spine pushing against my muscles. I can feel my spine cracking. Maybe it’s mental. But it definitely isn’t something you can wipe off with pain killers.

The other option was surgery after I’m old enough which was an instant no for me. I’m doing good the way I am. I don’t want to be paralyzed. In order to get a second opinion, I went to a paediatric orthopaedic specialist. She gave me two options; physiotherapy or schroth therapy. And so I started my hunt.

Schroth therapy is a rare method. Tough to find. Expensive as well since insurance doesn’t cover it. But I realized it would be worth it. I dialed numbers after numbers, spent hours on buses and trains to go to their offices, only to be disappointed. I asked one of the schroth specialists if it will make me better. She said, “If it doesn’t get any better, at least it won’t get any worse.” Comforting, really. What I thought was “mild” can’t get any worse than it already is.

I called up more people. Either their offices were too far away or they weren’t reliable or it was just inconvenient. I went to another place yesterday. Got there and found out they moved their office. Somewhere really far away from me. It’s as if they are all running away from me. I finally found a place. I did the first session and am hoping to get better. If something feels wrong this time, I will not hesitate to speak up.

After I was diagnosed with scoliosis, I started noticing the postural “flaws” in everyone. I watched as the people walking by were slightly tilted, some had uneven shoulders, and some couldn’t stand straight. I would constantly remind myself to sit straight. Though, sitting straight was tiring and so was giving into my scoliosis. Whenever I was changing clothes, I would notice how the right side of my torso was beautifully curved and my left side looked like a straight line. After the therapy, my right scapula became slightly winged. The left shoulder wasn’t aligned with my right. I noticed flaws in myself, and I noticed the same in others. Only goes out to show how the most common problems go unrecognized.

Nobody could tell I had an ulcer or two. Nobody can tell I have scoliosis. I realize how small my problems are compared to others’; how “mild” they actually are. Although they might seem “mild” on a greater scale, I was only one small unit of that great scale and I know what I had to bear. I understand that I am just another patient with a problem too common. But I also

understand that it wasn’t common for me. I don’t feel bad for myself. These experiences only fuel my desire to be a doctor; one who has been in the patient’s shoes.

And as for the tower, the inner walls are now just as colourful and beautiful as the outer walls. Though it will remain to be the leaning tower. One landmark amongst many unrecognized.