“Hugging My Shadow” by Anonymous Teen

“I’m not just a gem, I’m not just a human, I’m both,” is a line I resonate with from Steven Universe, a cartoon I would watch as a child. Growing up biracial, I always felt disconnected from my roots, as I never felt “Black enough” or “Filipino enough.” My experience reflects my favorite cartoon character, Steven Universe, a half-human, half-alien teenager raised by three extraterrestrial beings known as “gems.” Even though I struggled with isolation from my ethnic communities, I could relate to the cartoon character, Steven, who struggled with anxiety and depression, along with a huge identity crisis.

“You aren’t black,” “You aren’t Asian,” “You are mixed” were phrases I would hear from my peers in high school. I felt like my facial features didn’t align with my ethnicity. When I lived in Arkansas, the lack of Filipinos in my area meant no communities to help me embody my culture. And I didn’t feel accepted in the Black community that I had around me.

In the same way, I was isolated, and Steven was disconnected from his gem side. He was unable to embody his culture and ultimately couldn’t learn how to use his powers.

This made me feel isolated, forcing me to learn about my culture on my own. Trying to connect with other Black or Filipino people made me feel less than them because they knew so much about their culture, while I was still learning. I shared Steven Universe’s desire to know more about his culture.

Eventually, Steven visits Homeworld and discovers his gem family, called the “Diamonds,” who keep referring to him as Rose Quartz, his mother, and don’t acknowledge his human half. They even misgender Steven, using “she” instead of “he” pronouns. Similarly, stereotypes were pushed onto me by my peers about being half black, and how I talk “white” just because I didn’t use African American Vernacular English and don’t “look” Asian.

Similarly, when I moved to San Francisco, I came to feel that I didn’t belong and I found myself often being left out in school. I would find it hard to connect with others, and I often would skip school because I was getting heavy anxiety being around others, and afraid that I was being judged. Adjusting to this new lifestyle made it hard to make friends to where I would forcibly isolate myself and not talk to anyone. I thought that I was too different from others to where I didn’t belong anywhere. Whether that was my ethnic community or my school community. Steven didn’t even go to school or have any friends other than his alien parents or the workers of his favorite donut shop. He was isolated from both his human community and his alien community. He wasn’t welcome on Homeworld, and he wasn’t welcome on Earth.

In the same way, I didn’t feel welcome no matter where I went. I knew later that I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety. This meant that I was getting anxiety adjusting to these new environments, and it could lead to depression if I continued to isolate myself from opportunities to connect with people.

Steven would later experience depression later on the sequel series, Steven Universe Future, where all his trauma starts to catch up to him when he chooses to ignore it. This was a major

depressive disorder, single episode, which is what I was diagnosed with later on. This was a time period where I felt like I couldn’t rely on anyone but I eventually found friends who would help me overcome my irrational thoughts. Steven was able to get help from his gem friends who would hug him towards the end of the series after they realized what he was going through.

Steven and I experienced the same identity crisis when being torn apart by two different worlds. It was only after Steven established his character by standing up for himself, speaking out, and saying he was more than where he came from that he could be himself. Similarly, moving to San Francisco, I gradually realized that persona isn’t only about ethnicity. I realized I was always looking for others to define who I was. By watching Steven claim himself, I learned to allow myself to define myself rather than letting others' perceptions dictate who I am.

At first, my struggle with my cultural identity made me feel displaced; through relating to this cartoon, I realized the importance of looking inward to see who we are rather than allowing others to define us.

During the climax of Steven’s journey, Steven hugs the shadow of himself by loosening his grip on his identity from his gem mother and human father. Similarly, by letting go of the need to define myself using my community, I ironically hugged my shadow and connected with myself by finding personal interests like roller skating, hairstyling, and makeup that contributed to my uniqueness and eventually attracted people outside of my ethnic background. Despite feeling isolated from people in my culture, I still found my community. This is how I became one with myself when I realized that I am me, I’m Kahlan Bradley.