“Confronting Insecurity: Life with HS” by Alyssa Bernat, 17
Temperatures stay at around 80 degrees in my small North Alabama town, yet I continue to wear my leggings, sweatpants, and jeans. I would rather sweat and sweat than have people see these marks. Marks cover my legs and draw attention. Concerned mothers asking, “How many bugs have gotten to you this summer?” Peers asking, “What are those bumps anyway?” The marks that define me, hurt me. It’s difficult, honestly, to have an illness so public, so visible. Despite this, I believe it has done me some good, teaching me the value of pride and overcoming insecurities.
The chronic illness I live with is called hidradenitis suppurativa, known shortly as HS. It resides on my legs, engulfing my thighs. Oftentimes, large bumps emerge on my legs, resulting in my constant squirming in hopes of finding a comforting sitting position. As if the unpleasant look of my legs weren’t enough, the discomfort added to my hatred for the disease and for myself. HS does not have a solid cure. This hasn’t stopped me from trying topical and oral medications alike in order to put my flare-ups at rest. Not only do these medications not work, but the adverse effects are horrible. I found myself consistently throwing up as a result of my twice-a-day pill, oftentimes missing class due to visits to the nurse’s office. At the notice of distinguishably significant weight loss, I quit the oral supplements and solely used the cleansers, lotions, and moisturizers designed to solve my skin’s issues.
A year had passed since I started the topical treatments, yet my skin had not cleared at all. I could not believe that I had made zero progress. How could I have dedicated all that time to perfecting a routine for nothing to change? I felt sad and was brought to tears. I continued covering my legs, dressing warm in the summertime, too ashamed to wear shorts or reveal my skin. I particularly disliked swimming with others. I feared judgment from my closest friends. I compared myself to them. Their perfect skin made me stand out. I felt horrible and self-conscious all the time.
I decided to reach out to a friend. I told her not only of my condition but the way it made me feel. She was comforting, assuring me that despite my skin condition, I was beautiful inside and out. It was so refreshing to hear that. After multiple years of fear of judgment, this moment instilled a confidence in me that I still hold today. Now, my summers are spent with my closest, most loving friends, enjoying the beautiful sun and our favorite activities. I share my story with the hopes of helping others. I encourage people to reach out to their loved ones and express how their condition makes them feel because, in the end, it can truly transform you.