“Beyond the Curve” by Jordan Smith, 16
Coney Island, I was 11 years old and it was April of the year 2020. Me and my family were enjoying a nice walk across the board and having a wonderful time. On this walk my mom noticed I was walking funny. I would lean to one side, my footing was peculiar and my balance seemed off. This is what I was told but I never realized. That was just my usual day to day walk. I thought my mom was overanalyzing my movements. My dad also thought nothing of it. However, just to be safe we visited the doctor. To my surprise, I in fact had mild scoliosis. Scoliosis is an abnormal curvature of the spine. The doctor said it was mild but would require a back brace to prevent further severity and the possibility of needing surgery. I would need to wear this back brace tight and daily for 18 hours up until I was 15.
At first, the brace seemed fine despite mild discomfort. It was a white plastic back brace with an opening. I was able to customize the brace to my liking. I would constantly track how much I had worn the brace and looked forward to taking it off. School was online and the weather was warm so there were few issues. As the temperature rose my patience gradually dropped. Movements such as bending down, adjusting in my sleep and even eating started to feel difficult. Even doing schoolwork and writing felt uncomfortable. This brace was meant to keep the scoliosis advancement stagnant and in place. This condition develops through puberty so wearing this brace was daily treatment. I knew this but after meals this device felt like a burden but I pushed through. I always made sure to layer up and hide this brace.
The fall of 2021 in person schooling returned. This was a major dip in my brace usage. I didn’t want to deal with taking it off to participate in physical activities or being seen as different. I heavily kept my condition a secret and avoided wearing my brace out in public. I started to consistently wear my brace for less than 18 hours a day. I feared being looked at differently or having to explain my circumstance.
During the monthly checkups I dreaded explaining my usage to the doctor. I knew this brace was vital but the discomfort and potential social stigma took over. The condition would be pretty much the same or marginally worse. The x-rays would show pretty similar curves. Physically, the condition was manageable and I was grateful for it to only be mild scoliosis.
The mental state has been and continues to be a battle. I first found out that I had scoliosis due to my walking looking off. This has made me extremely self conscious. Whilst walking I always question if I look normal or balanced. Walking has become more of a manual action due to my fear of being weird or different. Very few people know of my scoliosis and I try my best to keep it that way. I often look back with regret about this experience. I always wonder what would have happened if I wore my brace more. How much better would my posture be? How much would the curve have progressed? Are my shoulders even? Am I leaning to one side? Why does my back hurt so bad suddenly? Could I have been taller? Is surgery worth it? Why does my balance seem so off? These are all questions I constantly ask myself.
During sports such as basketball I particularly experience back pain from time to time. However, I didn’t want to express this as I don’t want to make excuses or seem weak. Lifting weights has also put me on edge. Just one repetition with bad form could intensify my condition.
However, I have started to come to terms with my condition and journey. I am starting to realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my situation and issues. This curve has become part of me and who I am. However, negative experiences and anxiety throughout this journey has shown me that resilience is key. I may have scoliosis but I am so much stronger than this curve and I will continue to do what I love. I have also recognized that being hypercritical over myself only holds me back. It is okay to be different and support is out there. The reactions I envisioned in my head have often been wrong. It’s my journey and it's fine if others don’t understand. There are many support systems and I'm grateful for being able to live and come to terms with my situation.
As I continue to embrace my curve, I ponder about how many other teenagers feel that they need to hide their chronic illnesses to feel “normal” and not be shunned. I feel that more awareness and acceptance through our personal journeys will help eliminate stigma. Community should be accessible and we should be the only ones to define our “normal”, not our diagnosis. Our journeys are powerful and we obtain great strength and perseverance through our toughness. Reach out and recognize that there is power in endearment, connection, and most importantly, community!